


We Must Love

by znism



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Produce X 101 (TV), UNIQ (Band), UP10TION, VICTON (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Illusions, M/M, No Spoilers, Open to Interpretation, Realistic Dream, Triggers, Very sad im so sorry, cursing, it's sad, more tags as it goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-02 13:28:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/znism/pseuds/znism
Summary: Sometimes love isn't all butterflies in the stomach, both sided attraction and midnight cuddles and kisses. For some people, "love" is the worst kind of pain.





	1. We Must Love

Yeah. He noticed.

All the stares he was giving to one particular guy.

But.

He thought it was normal, he looked at every trainee there, with a smile plastered on his face. 

... 

Why shouldn't it be the same with HIM.

Seungyoun's thoughts were interrupted by an alarmful scream by noone else than Byungchan himself.

Byungchan came running into the small cramped room that Team Move shared. Looking very afraid, like he saw a damn ghost, or so Seungyoun thought. Chan climb on the top bunk wich belonged to Kookheon and hid under his bed covers.

Seungyoun,too tired from the training and his stupid thoughts,just ignored him and continued laying on his own bed.

Suddenly he heard the younger speak up.

"Hyung... There is a spider in the bathroom...."

Seungyoun sighed. He already was closing his eyes, trying to fall asleep and this is what he gets? Having to get rid of a tiny spider from a bathroom because a 6'1 male is scared of it? His live has got to be a very bad comedy movie. At this point, he is just waiting for that fake audience laughing effect to appear.

He got up from his bed, pretty sure hearing his back crack. He scoffed in pain, picking up a slipper and slowly going to the bathroom. He still didn't say a word.

"Wait...don't kill it!" - Byungchan suddenly whined, getting his head from under the bed cover so it was visable.

" Well, what do you want me to do? Keep it as a pet?" - Seungyoun looked over at the younger trainee. He knows that his eyebags and tiredness were showing and that it will bring concern to others. Not that he cared much.

"Maybe...we should! There is a plastic conteiner on my desk that I used to meal prep with.. Can u put it in there?"

Byungchan suddenly beamed. He didn't seem scared anymore wich was good.

"Okay... But you are taking care of that bastard."- Seungyoun said as he picked up the container and went to the bathroom. As he headed to the even smaller space, he saw Byungchan nod in the corner of his eye. Maybe he was only a year younger, but on god... He acted like a 3 year old baby.

Going into the bathroom, he saw the spider in an instant. It was just chilling there, on the sink. He opened the plastic box and separated the thin lid and massive part where u put all the stuff. He tried to catch the spider, but it ran away at first,second and the third try. Either Seungyoun was really damn tired, or that spider moved as fast as a cheetah.

Finally he cought it in the corner, placed the lid underneath and closed the lunch box thing. It was see through, so the insect could be seen by him clearly. It didn't look scared. Wich was weird. It wasn't trying to run away from the box. Wich was REALLY weird.

"Huh... Some special spider you are...almost reminds me of someone who I know..." - Seungyoun muttered to himself.

He came back and placed the spider on the night stand next to Byungchan's and Kookheon's bunk bed. Chan peeked to see to his pleasure, that Seungyoun in fact, didn't kill the spider.

" I know that I was supposed to take care of it, but since you cought it... Maybe you give it a name hyung?? Certainly it seems smaller, so it must be a male spider." - Chan said now just sitting on the top bed.

Well... the spider did remind him of someone. In fact, he already picked a name in his mind.

" Let's name it.... Jinhyuk"- He hesitated before saying it but not like he had any other name in his mind at that time. This was the only one, that was occupying his mind to the point of making him feel brainwashed.

"Huh... Why name it by Jinhyuk hyung?"

Seungyoun know this question this coming. His mind already settled on so many scenarios explaining why he picked Jinhyuk... But Byungchan wouldn't understand, would he? Seungyoun didn't want to explain in detail why name it Jinhyuk because he knew, that eventually his long tongue would spill something like " oh and i kind of feel something for him". He can't risk it. Being exposed like that, right now. It's not convinient to any of them. They had to practice hard for the performance and any unrelated tension that was created, could ruin it with a snap. He just wasn't ready yet. So he said the most basic thing that came to his mind.

" He looks like a Jinhyuk".


	2. We Can Love ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unrequired love is really complicated. It's really noone's fault cuz it's one sided. It's how things sometimes happen... and we sadly have to accept it and try to wash away those feelings or the guilt from not feeling the same. Not a pretty topic for discussion but I think almost everyone experienced it. In one way or other." 
> 
> TW! : mentions of eating disorder, non healthy dieting, passing out, bullying, one-sided love and homophobia  
> TW! : Blood

"Ok, Jinhyuk it is then".

These are the last words Seungyoun remembers before fading to sleep. Only him and Byungchan in the dorms. The rest were either practicing or in other team's dorms talking and enjoying themselves. Seungyoun wanted to join, but he was just practicing the move choreo so hard, that after he got it all in place, all he wanted was just his bed and his bed only. He felt jealous though. That others easily had somehow more energy than him. It's not a sin right? To be jealous about it. It's more of a silly thing and Seungyoun probably knows why he isn't as energetic as usual.

It's because of him. The one on his mind. Terrible reason why Seungyoun had to practice so hard, since everytime he was thinking about him, he made a mistake in the choreo. And making mistakes got tiring, so he decided to give off 110% of his energy and put his mind in a blank state and just...think about it later. Second part kind of didn't work, that's why he just decided to head back to dorms little earlier to get some sleep. Maybe this could've helped.

...  
...  
...  
Seungyoun woke up. Something is wrong. He checked his phone to see what's the time currently.

The phone screen flashed the numbers : "3 : 33".

Seungyoun started at the phone with a blank expression... Did he just sleep for only 3 hours while being mentally and physically drained? Maybe. He still wanted to know what, how and why he woke up for. Then he heard it.

Sobbing. Someone sobbing. Outside their dorm. On 3:33 fucking am. Oh my god.

Did Seungyoun believe in ghosts, demons and other paranormal stuff? No. Well he didn't before, but now he wasn't so sure. 

He slowly got out of bed. As he placed his feet on the cold wooden floor, the muscle pain from overworking himself got to show what it can do. Seungyoun winced at the pain and let out a small yelp before carefully going towards the door. 

He quickly glanced at the other beds. Byungchan, Kookheon,Hangyul,Hyunbin were all sleeping peacefully.

... Wait. Jinhyuk? 

WHERE WAS JINHYUK? 

Seungyoun's face from a blank canvas turned into an art full of worry, hesitation, fright but also ambition. Was he brave enough to open the door? He didn't know who or what was behind it. 

As he got to the door, the cries got louder and more unstable. Like they were an act of desperation or fear somewhat. 

Seungyoun decided to turn the knob, he couldn't identify who was crying. There were a lot of people that Seungyoun didn't hear crying, so litearlly expected anyone behind that door. 

The knob of the door was turned. The door opened. No one was behind it. But someone was beside it. 

TW!!! ( mentions of eating disorder, bad dieting, overwork to the point of fainting, one-sided attraction, slight homophobia, bullying) Read at your own risk. 

Seungyoun took a peek. For fucks sake, he didn't believe his eyes. 

Jinhyuk. Was sitting right beside the door. It was him crying. He was the one who woke up Seungyoun with his sobs. Fuck. 

Jinhyuk had his hands on his face and had his facr curled up in his long legs. He didn't notice anyone opening the door since Seungyoun opened it very quietly. 

Seungyoun decided to steal the other's attention by a tap on his shoulder. 

Jinhyuk winced at the touch but looked up to see his fellow teammate. His eyes were swollen from crying and all red, so was his face. The sadness still clearly see able but he managed to pull of a pout. 

"Seungyoun what are you doing, it's 3 am just go back to sleep... You seem really tired." Jinhyuk said in a tiny and very heavy voice at the same time. 

"I was woken up by your crying. I wanted to check out who was it." 

Jinhyuk scoffed. 

"Now you know. Just go back to bed. I'm sorry, I'll be more quiet." 

Seungyoun just looked at the other and blinked at his words. He wasn't going to leave him crying like that. He would never do that to anyone. His own experience,...by being left alone in such state...it's an instinct for him now, to not let that happen to anyone else. 

He sat down next to Jinhyuk, covering the wooden door. 

" You don't have to say anything. I just want to keep you company. It's hard going through a breakdown by yourself."

There was silence settled between the two. No words were said. The only thing they could hear, was both of them breathing.

Seungyoun closed his eyes. Just sitting on the floor, resting his mind. 

....  
....  
.... 

" Did you ever love someone who doesn't love you back?" 

Jinhyuk said hesitantly. It was a question, raised to the only person who sat beside him. And he expected an anwser. 

"Well yeah.. Pretty sure now I have a crush on someone who doesn't like me back" - it's not wrong to say that Seungyoun was blushing while saying this. His pretty sure crush, was the one who asked him this. 

" It fucking sucks right...I...I don't think I ever loved someone as much and now... They comeback to my life, bringing back all those memories back."

"Unrequired love is really complicated. It's really noone's fault cuz it's one sided. It's how things sometimes happen... and we sadly have to accept it and try to wash away those feelings or the guilt from not feeling the same. Not a pretty topic for discussion but I think almost everyone experienced it. In one way or other." 

" You seem really experienced with it, Seungyoun" - Jinhyuk says blantly. 

Seungyoun just chuckles. 

" I was in both ends. I guess you can trust me with the experience then."

Jinhyuk manages to put on a quick grin before it fades away quickly. A growl could be heard quickly. Sounds like a hungry lion, but in reality it's just a hungry stomach. 

"Jinhyuk, when was the last time you ate?" 

.... 

" It was at 2 pm. I ate at 2 pm for the last time."

Seungyoun shared a shocked look towards the other. 

"You haven't eaten for almost 10 hours??? Don't tell me...with all that practicing you did... You stayed in the training room for 7 hours. Dancing and rapping non stop... Do you really want to die Lee Jinhyuk. That's so damn unhealthy and you are literally a stick. Why are you doing this to yourself?! "

Seungyoun said the last part louder than he meant to,but it's because he was seriously worried for Jinhyuk. Jinhyuk is really skinny for his height and now he wants to lose even more? Why!? 

" I don't like how I look. Since I have a hard time gaining weight... I thought why not lose some. At least 5 kilograms. I've planned a good diet for that to happen quickly. And I'm good. I'm not that hungry.... I don't like eating anyways.." - Jinhyuk said, his tone calm and quiet. 

" You don't mean... Oh God. " - Seungyoun felt his own dinner just come up to his throat now. 

" You catch on pretty quickly... Yes I've suffered from an eating disorder. My parents made me hate eating. Forcing me to eat so much because I didn't gain weight. I wasn't muscular enough for them. One time I just had enough... And all the food I ate... I throwed it up in the toilet. It took me months to get out of this habit. And I still think about it. I thinked about doing this as a part of the diet... Huh that would be great..."

Seungyoun's eyes widened at the words that came out of Jinhyuk's mouth. 

" I... Yeah I know how that feels too. Sorry I didn't tell you before. I made myself throw up food too... But that was back in my early trainee days. My situation was pretty simmular to yours. I wasn't doing it because I hated food though. I did it since it was required for me to lose weight to debut."

Jinhyuk did something Seungyoun didn't see coming. 

He rested his head on Seungyoun's shoulder. 

" We have something in common, more than being already debuted idols, rappers and quite tall guys. I just don't kind of like...that it's the fucked up shit..."

" Yeah, me too" 

Seungyoun didn't think of a response. He just blurted it out. He was too busy staring at Jinhyuk's side profile. Even after crying a river, he still looked amazing.

How does one look so etheral? The sharp jaw with sharp eyes, cute lips and a very aesthetically pleasing nose. Maybe Lee Jinhyuk just looks perfect in the eyes of Cho Seungyoun. 

"Remember when I stayed up to practice two days ago?" 

" Yep. You were really pressed that Hangyul called u a dancing stick so you wanted to improve your dance moves. So you at least look like a" sharp stick dancing". 

Jinhyuk laughed. In fact, that conversation happened. 

"Well I stared having those.. thoughts back... I slipped and hit my head. Pretty sure I almost fainted but somehow the cold water bottle helped the bruise."

.... 

" Do you want to talk about them ? I can relate to those too." 

"No just... What do I do to calm them down... Voices of people telling me I'm worthless fag, a waste of oxygen, that I'm not a part of their family anymore, just a talentless piece of shit, who will never make enough money to live a stable life. It hurts... Like I keep telling myself to ignore those people, and my ears don't seem to do the same."

"Well-" - Seungyoun cut off when he saw Jinhyuk tearing up again. 

He touched his hand, to get permission to maybe hold it. 

Jinhyuk didn't get the signal at first. Then he proceeded to be the one who holds Seungyoun's hanf instead. 

Jinhyuk's palms felt soft on Seungyoun's. They felt...just right. Warm and soft. Definitely how Seungyoun thought them out to be before. 

He never held hands with Jinhyuk. This was his first time and he hoped there would be more to come after. 

What he is thinking. That's foolish. There is a small procentege that Jinhyuk will hold his hand like, ever again. 

" So uh...about the advice. Just...try to cover those thoughts up with positive memories? I do that and it works for me, so maybe it could work for you too. Anything to distract your mind with is good too. Anti-stress stuff perhaps? Those squishies are good. Dohyon owns a couple so I could always ask him to give you one and--"

" You are already doing too much. You helped me a lot with this Youn. Thank you so much. I really... really appreciate that."

"Oh I didn't do anything I just-" 

Seungyoun was interrupted with Jinhyuk suddenly grabbing him closer and hugging him. 

That was surprising to say the least. A lot more warmer than the usual hug aswell. 

"Who was the person you had a crush on by the way?" 

" Oh it's nothing anymore. I don't think so. So don't worry."

"Well I am asking since I would start to get slightly jealous..." - Jinhyuk said with a smirk on his mouth. 

Seungyoun's eyes almost blurted out of his orbits...was Jinhyuk flirting with him?! And was he really blushing like crazy right now? Yes to both questions. 

" Ha...nice joke.. " 

Jinhyuk rolled his eyes. 

" It isn't a one. Although you look really pretty with that baby pink blush on your face, so I should make those 'jokes' more often.." 

Jinhyuk was teasing Seungyoun really badly. It wasn't helping how he was staring at him too. His eyes, puffy, but hungry for Seungyoun's if that made sense. One of Jinhyuk's hands was on Seungyoun's hip and the other was in his hair. Carefully brushing away the tiny streaks of it. 

Seungyoun was a mess. Maybe it was possible for Jinhyuk to like him back. Would he finally get a happy ending for himself? 

*drip, drop*

Sounds of some liquid could be heard. Just dripping down pretty heavily. 

... 

Suddenly Jinhyuk's eyes widened. 

"S-Seungyoun...your shirt...." 

"What about it-" 

He didn't get to finish. He started coughing maniacally. He didn't feel like he was breathing anymore. His lungs felt like they were collapsing. Leaving him to death. His mind started to get fuzzy. He was held by Jinhyuk. He placed his head on his lap and that's all he was seeing. Hid vision also staring to get worse... 

He blinked once. 

The rest of his team was next to him now. Surrounding him. 

Second time.

" Call 119!" 

He heard Jinhyuk yell towards Kookheon. Seungyoun was sure his hearing was getting worse too. Was this it? Was he really dying right now? 

" Dumb gay bitch" 

Huh. 

" You mean nothing to us. You are a disappointment."

Huh..

" Go back to the hellhole that you came from, disgusting faggot." 

Huh... 

It all went blank. Seungyoun was sure he was dying. Why would he think about those things anyways... If he wasn't getting a stop closer to his death. What was the point. 

Lights out. Candles blown. He couldn't hear a single thing anymore. Second later, he couldn't move his limbs. His sight gone too. That's it. That's the end of Cho Seungyoun. It's a goodbye forever to this world. He wasn't breathing anymore. His body felt limp. He was gone. 

....  
....  
....  
TW : BLOOD

Coughing.

" HUMH" 

In an attempt to breathe through the mouth, he let out that sound. Wait. 

He was breathing. How. Can he... 

Yes. He could open his eyes too and he did so. 

Seungyoun was out of breath. Covered in sweat. That was one fucked up dream.. Or nightmare at the end. He felt like he was suffocating in something. He just didn't know yet. His materace felt awfully wet though. Did he accidently piss himself? 

Oh. He looked at it. No that wasn't piss. He touched his face. First mouth, then nose. Looked at his finger. 

That was blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry if this isn't long enough of an chapter. I apologise in advance for any spelling, grammar mistakes. That is all. Hope you are enjoying this so far ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> This part isn't that angsty and doesn't have any triggers. I will write a TW before anything that might seem to cause it. English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for any grammar errors. This is a very angsty fic and yeah everyone will prob want my head after it ends but that's ok. :] if you have any questions, visit my cc https://curiouscat.me/sunnyyouns or my twitter @/sunnyyouns
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the first part :)


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